I felt drawn to go the studio this morning. It was a spontaneous invite I chose to honour. Within me was swirling different emotions and rather than let them get stuck on a spin cycle which I have been guilty of doing more times than I can remember. I chose to give a voice to what was stirring within with paint and oil pastels.
One of my morning rituals is to sit with a cup of tea and then pull an oracle card from one of my decks. these days I am playing with the Mother Mary oracle deck by Alana Fairchild with artwork by Shiloh Sophia McCloud. Today the card said , Our Lady of Answered Prayers. As I dove in to read it messages, floating within me was resistance , dismay, disappointment and frustration. I also felt embarrassed that I was feeling this way towards a holy message that is meant to encourage and inspire me. Your prayers are being answered. Well the thing is what is the answer and how do I recognize it? I am still learning to decode this. I also believe prayers are answered in their way and most certainly not in the way I am seeking them to be answered for we are all playing a part in the unfolding of the divine.
I am deeply frustrated at the lack of positive results in my business and honestly, I am tired of singing the same old song. Yet something within me just won’t give up. What I do know is that within me is a deep and strong desire to serve women …a deep desire to help them to transform their lives from within…to help them trust their own inner wisdom/voices. I desire to help women use their voices to say what they need to say. I see how women are disconnected from their creativity, the fire that can fuel one’s life giving in to the stories of the mind rather than the longing of their hearts. I see women disconnected from their sensual and sexual desires and convincing themselves in one way or another that it’s not important. I am so tired of the lies women continuously tell themselves to keep themselves small. So, I keep on moving forth one tiny step at a time trusting that somewhere along the way, something will ignite something bigger.
I took all of this to my art journal today. Today, I chose to honour my feelings and the longing in my heart by sitting down in my studio and daring to dive into expressing myself with paint and oil pastels. It’s the first time I consciously sat down and did so in this way and it felt really good. In the past, I would have found a way to talk myself out of it, convincing myself in one way or another that my list of priorities was more important. Today, I chose to say, my feelings are important and I want to acknowledge them as best as I know how in this moment. A small victory of sorts. It felt so freeing.
I first began by dumping with a colouring pencil what was weighing heavily on my heart. I just wrote and wrote until there was nothing more to say. Ah..such a relief to do so. I did not hold anything back and yes, it did include a few curse words along the way. Yes, there was a moment of self judgement when I did not but I said, this is a part of who I am and I am not going to hide this from myself.
In the next step, I covered my writings with Gesso.for me it is a way to bless and honour the words on the page. It provides a gateway to something new to unfold. Then I opened the portal with 3 colours . I chose 3 colours that I normally do not play with. OK. Continuing the trust the process. I chose Grey, phalo turquoise and burnt orange. I noticed that with each step, things began to feel a little lighter. The process of transformation already at work. Then, my intuitive voice said choose black. What? I don’t want to paint with black? it is such a dark and heavy colour. It’s not pretty. It’s bland. So I noticed my critic had moved in and was trying to hijack my creative process. Nope you don't get to play today. There is no room for you here. I simply chose to ignore it and to honour my intuitive voice. I used black paint to paint a door and some stairs..One whisper at a time. One colour at a time my picture was unfolding itself in symbols.
I used acrylic paints and oil pastels. A fun combination for me. Using the oil pastels are childlike for me and it’s always fun to return to this playful side of me. I noticed small moments of joy perk up when I was drawing with oil pastels.
Along the way, I did pause and engaged in conversation with my painting that was unfolding. One of the messages is that there is nothing to fear about the dark (ie black). Darkness and light co exist together and are both needed. Bless them both and do not make the dark wrong. Well that is interesting as I have tried along the way to make the dark wrong again and again within my own life. Poof…there it goes. Symbols were being transformed as I continued to pause, take some breaths and chat with my painting to see what else she had to share with me.
One of my biggest take aways, is that I am the door. My heart is the door. Open it wide to fully receive. I get to choose to open the door at my own leisure and pace. No one else can open my door.
So the gifts of international creativity continue to unfold as I engage curiosity and inquiry into my blossoming. I believe that all means of expressions is form of prayer. This includes what we say, do, think, believe , write etc. And yes, praying may be messy ..it does not have to be pretty or done just right to be heard and received by the universe. I am learning that there is no right way to pray, just my way.